Worrying has become my default emotion lately. Worry consumes my mind and attempts to coexist with my otherwise positive thoughts. Then Worry gets stronger and bigger and threatens to beat up the positive thoughts. Worry eventually fights Positive, beating him senseless, proving once and for all that Worry is the victor. And this internal warfare just continues each and every day.
Since I was a kid I have been told that I am a "worrywart" by my entire family. I use to blame that on being the oldest and having to assume some type of leadership role in my family, and as any dutiful leader, I must be worried about the people. (Evidently, I also believe I am some sort of princess or queen?) I firmly believe that whatever you (parents) call your children influences them later in life. I am definitely not blaming my family for my present day worrying, but I do think that worrying whilst a child has led to my current misgivings.
I am anxiety-laden concerning a myriad of things each day. And yes, I always overthink everything I say, think, or do. (See here for more of that.)
Will I get all my work done during my planning period? (The answer is always no.)
What does that email really mean? (Typically, it means what it says.)
I have a headache, is this a brain tumor? (No.)
Am I a good enough teacher? (Who knows the answer to this one?)
What is the right answer? (Nobody really knows.)
Does my hair still look ok? (There is a lot of hair spray up there, so it should be fine.)
How disappointed is God because I keep avoiding quiet time? (From what I have been told, he is not disappointed in me.)
What if they find out I am a fraud? (It is ok. They are frauds too.)
Did I respond to that parent in the appropriate way? (Yes.)
When that student said I was unclear, then I went back and clarified, did she really understand or was she just saying she did? (If she did not, she will come back and let me know.)
I am having heart palpitations, this has to be a heart attack, right? (No.)
Why is that guy following me on the Duke trail? (Because he is running too.)
And that is just a snapshot of how my brain works throughout the day. I worry about meaningful choices and decisions I make, but then I feel uneasy about normal, mundane events. I recognize my apprehension, but then I cannot escape those thoughts. This post makes me sound totally crazy, but I know that verbalizing fear can reduce the fear itself. If you know me in any capacity, then you know that I am 95% cheerful and optimistic. I have pretty much been that way my entire life, but worry makes up the remaining five percent and it is something worth talking about.
This weekend, I was fortunate to hear my friend Steve speak about worry, fear, and our attempts to control the outcomes of the monster our fears create. I feel that my fear and worry derive from my desire to control what happens. I am a control freak. There, I said it. I love being in control. And I guess worry consumes me when I know I cannot control the outcome. I do not know how that parent will react. I do not know if people will judge me for saying the wrong answer; that is why I hate riddles and Calculus.
There is a freedom in saying or doing something and then releasing it into the world and then being content in whatever the response is. I am not like that. I release words or actions and then I marinate on them, turning over power to the fear of "what if". In my lack of control, the apprehension and second guessing maturate, resulting in my inability to be content.
So where do I go from here? Do I seek a higher power to guide me and pull me out of this downward spiral? Of course I do. And I want to be able to rest in my relationship with God in all things that I do. But is that a reality? I am not sure. If I am aware of what I am doing and am actively choosing to change my thought process, does that count as making strides to improve myself? Do I need to pray about it? See, even in this, I worry what the correct response is. Overall, it seems as if I cannot escape worry. Perhaps one day I can turn my worry into contentment, slowly relinquishing fear.
Since I was a kid I have been told that I am a "worrywart" by my entire family. I use to blame that on being the oldest and having to assume some type of leadership role in my family, and as any dutiful leader, I must be worried about the people. (Evidently, I also believe I am some sort of princess or queen?) I firmly believe that whatever you (parents) call your children influences them later in life. I am definitely not blaming my family for my present day worrying, but I do think that worrying whilst a child has led to my current misgivings.
I am anxiety-laden concerning a myriad of things each day. And yes, I always overthink everything I say, think, or do. (See here for more of that.)
Will I get all my work done during my planning period? (The answer is always no.)
What does that email really mean? (Typically, it means what it says.)
I have a headache, is this a brain tumor? (No.)
Am I a good enough teacher? (Who knows the answer to this one?)
What is the right answer? (Nobody really knows.)
Does my hair still look ok? (There is a lot of hair spray up there, so it should be fine.)
How disappointed is God because I keep avoiding quiet time? (From what I have been told, he is not disappointed in me.)
What if they find out I am a fraud? (It is ok. They are frauds too.)
Did I respond to that parent in the appropriate way? (Yes.)
When that student said I was unclear, then I went back and clarified, did she really understand or was she just saying she did? (If she did not, she will come back and let me know.)
I am having heart palpitations, this has to be a heart attack, right? (No.)
Why is that guy following me on the Duke trail? (Because he is running too.)
And that is just a snapshot of how my brain works throughout the day. I worry about meaningful choices and decisions I make, but then I feel uneasy about normal, mundane events. I recognize my apprehension, but then I cannot escape those thoughts. This post makes me sound totally crazy, but I know that verbalizing fear can reduce the fear itself. If you know me in any capacity, then you know that I am 95% cheerful and optimistic. I have pretty much been that way my entire life, but worry makes up the remaining five percent and it is something worth talking about.
This weekend, I was fortunate to hear my friend Steve speak about worry, fear, and our attempts to control the outcomes of the monster our fears create. I feel that my fear and worry derive from my desire to control what happens. I am a control freak. There, I said it. I love being in control. And I guess worry consumes me when I know I cannot control the outcome. I do not know how that parent will react. I do not know if people will judge me for saying the wrong answer; that is why I hate riddles and Calculus.
There is a freedom in saying or doing something and then releasing it into the world and then being content in whatever the response is. I am not like that. I release words or actions and then I marinate on them, turning over power to the fear of "what if". In my lack of control, the apprehension and second guessing maturate, resulting in my inability to be content.
So where do I go from here? Do I seek a higher power to guide me and pull me out of this downward spiral? Of course I do. And I want to be able to rest in my relationship with God in all things that I do. But is that a reality? I am not sure. If I am aware of what I am doing and am actively choosing to change my thought process, does that count as making strides to improve myself? Do I need to pray about it? See, even in this, I worry what the correct response is. Overall, it seems as if I cannot escape worry. Perhaps one day I can turn my worry into contentment, slowly relinquishing fear.
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