To the three people that read this blog, sorry I've been away. Spring Break in Charleston and Savannah was fabulous. I had the best time. It was great to relax, catch up, and stay in fancy hotels! I love hanging with Ashley. BFOL!
I have something I wrote a few years ago about walking from my car back to the dorm. A pretty simple thing, check it out and let me know your thoughts...
That walk back, the one after I have unloaded pounds and pounds of material wealth, is one of the most perfect moments. After returning back to school and unloading all the suitcases, bottled water, leftover food from mom, and dad’s hidden candy stashed somewhere in the laundry basket, it is time to go and park the car, only I am cheap and have to park my car in East Jesus. So on the mile walk back to my building, I am able to transition. It is a time for me to be alone. No friends, no iPOD, no texting, cell phone calls. Just me and my thoughts. I now realize what it is to just reflect; to appreciate everything around me. I enjoy the walk, no matter if I’m out of breath by the time I get to my dorm, no matter if it’s raining, or if it’s 100 degrees outside. The sun slowly setting with a yellow and orange halo surrounding the library. A crisp breeze floating through the air carrying leaves to their final resting place. A bird singing its evening song in slow, deep chirps. Wet grass wriggling its way into my dry flip flops. Cold rain falling and rushing into the garden to give life to the pansies.
I cherish that time, because from the second I get back to my room until the next walk back, I am running around at 65 miles an hour; running from class to class, or to and fro to friends' dorm rooms, or studying all night long. Those moments walking back are mine, and only mine. And no matter the weather or the parking spot, I value everything I observe during those few, precious steps.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
On My Own?
“Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own” –U2
Not only is this a song from my favorite band but it’s also a message, especially lately, I remind myself. Yes, sometimes I can’t make it on my own. But I have been able to do so for quite some time now. I have always been an independent person, emotionally and financially. I have never felt that I needed someone to financially support me. Even with my family, I have always appreciated and valued their financial support, but since I began working my full time job I never felt that I had to have their financial support. Of course they offer and I greatly appreciate it, but I do consider myself someone who takes pride in being able to support myself financially. I think it says something when a single woman can support herself without relying on anyone else.
However, when it comes to emotional support I need a little help there because sometimes I really can’t make it on my own. I have always detached myself emotionally from people. I rarely share my authentic emotions with people. I tend to keep a lot inside for several reasons. I am fearful of my own vulnerability. I am terrified if/how people will judge me. I am afraid to let people all the way in. I have been hurt a lot in the past and I guess putting up walls makes me think that I can protect myself. I have been hurt by friends, family, and boys. And these walls have helped protect me from pain, but I am starting to realize that these walls are only hurting me. I tend to shoulder the weight of the world and I hardly share that heaviness with others. I like to think that I am this strong, confident, outspoken woman. And I am, but I can’t be those things all the time. I have to have people to share my problems, insecurities, and dreams with. If I don’t have these people in my life, then my problems, insecurities, and dreams will eat me alive. I can’t mask my emotional side anymore. I have to let it out. My emotions are beginning to slowly emanate like water from a broken dam. And I’m not saying that I can’t deal with my own emotions, but for so long I have kept people out, and I have now figured out that I have to let people in.
So can I make it on my own? Yes, but only so far. I need to let people in, and I have with a select few (Ashley, Johnna, and Travis), but I need to do it more. But even with these great friends I tend to hold back sometimes and I’m not positive as to why I do it; maybe it is the fear of exposing the raw, unedited version of Mira. I’m not sure, but to you three, I will be better. And to you others, I will make every attempt to let you in, putting aside all my fears. Am I proud of the person I am? Yes. Could I be better? Of course. Can I make it on my own? Sometimes.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Something more...
So I'm struggling with my faith. I'm struggling with my spirituality and with my religion and the intermingling of the two. I associate my spirituality with prayer and worship. I associate my religion with being a Christian and going to church. Now I don't think that going to church makes you a spiritual person or better than someone who does not attend church. I do believe that going to church can help to aid your spirituality but it does not instantly make you spiritual. Someone can sit in church all day long on Sunday and once they leave not give God another thought until the following Sunday. I am struggling to connect both my spiritual self and my religious self.
I pray. I worship God and Jesus through reading The Bible. I believe in prayers to ease someone's pain. I believe in the words Jesus says. I believe that someone can live a life of drug dealing, gang activity, and stealing and then turn their life around and repent and be bound for Heaven. I believe in all these things, but I'm finding a hard time finding a denomination within my Christian religion that supports all these things.
I am Catholic. I have been Catholic my entire life. I have been through four of the seven sacraments (Baptism, Holy Eucharist, Reconciliation, and Confirmation), Sunday school, becoming a peer minister, a member of the Church Leadership Committee and an avid supporter of the Catholic Church. I firmly believed in my religion even through all the priest sex scandals, the installation of the new Pope, and all the bloody history that has been a part of Catholicism. However, I disagree with a lot of things the Catholic church believes. I consider myself a liberal, open-minded person. But I don't agree with the Catholic church.
When I tell people I'm Catholic I normally follow with, "but I don't agree with a lot of traditional Catholic beliefs." I shouldn't have to make excuses for anything, especially when it comes to something as personal as religion and something I get to decide. I shouldn't excuse 2,000 years of Catholic history in one statement. And I know, Catholics today should not shoulder the blame for the bloody, destructive, and tyrannical actions of the Catholic leaders of the past. But why accept it? I don't. And that is why I am searching for something new.
I was scared when I realized this a few weeks ago. My great friend Travis asked me a few weeks ago, "Why are you Catholic?" I was stumped. I had no real reasoning than that I was raised Catholic. Aside from the bloody Catholic past, I admire the tradition that has lasted for 2,000 years. But I can admire the tradition from afar. I can admire the Catholic religion for what it is and what it can be. But I'm not sure if I can excuse it's history and I'm fairly confident that it will continue to repeat itself. And I'm not sure if I can remain a part of something I so strongly disagree with.
My mother was raised Southern Baptist and she decided when she got to college that it wasn't for her. She decided to become a Hari Krishna. Yes, the bald people in orange togas who pass out flowers at the airport. My grandmother was terrified my mother was going to come home with no hair. She didn't and it was a phase. My mother later told me she was inspired by George Harrison. Damn Beatles, always influencing the Rahili women. She experimented and decided it was not right for her. She then became Catholic. My mother had to try out a few religions to find the one that fit her. I have to do the same. I have to find a religion that may not be perfect, but fits me. I may not be giving up my Catholic roots, but I'm looking for something more. I am going to church with my great friends Travis and Johnna and I while I'm there I will be looking for something more. Based on these two amazingly, wonderful people and their beliefs, I think I might find it.
I pray. I worship God and Jesus through reading The Bible. I believe in prayers to ease someone's pain. I believe in the words Jesus says. I believe that someone can live a life of drug dealing, gang activity, and stealing and then turn their life around and repent and be bound for Heaven. I believe in all these things, but I'm finding a hard time finding a denomination within my Christian religion that supports all these things.
I am Catholic. I have been Catholic my entire life. I have been through four of the seven sacraments (Baptism, Holy Eucharist, Reconciliation, and Confirmation), Sunday school, becoming a peer minister, a member of the Church Leadership Committee and an avid supporter of the Catholic Church. I firmly believed in my religion even through all the priest sex scandals, the installation of the new Pope, and all the bloody history that has been a part of Catholicism. However, I disagree with a lot of things the Catholic church believes. I consider myself a liberal, open-minded person. But I don't agree with the Catholic church.
When I tell people I'm Catholic I normally follow with, "but I don't agree with a lot of traditional Catholic beliefs." I shouldn't have to make excuses for anything, especially when it comes to something as personal as religion and something I get to decide. I shouldn't excuse 2,000 years of Catholic history in one statement. And I know, Catholics today should not shoulder the blame for the bloody, destructive, and tyrannical actions of the Catholic leaders of the past. But why accept it? I don't. And that is why I am searching for something new.
I was scared when I realized this a few weeks ago. My great friend Travis asked me a few weeks ago, "Why are you Catholic?" I was stumped. I had no real reasoning than that I was raised Catholic. Aside from the bloody Catholic past, I admire the tradition that has lasted for 2,000 years. But I can admire the tradition from afar. I can admire the Catholic religion for what it is and what it can be. But I'm not sure if I can excuse it's history and I'm fairly confident that it will continue to repeat itself. And I'm not sure if I can remain a part of something I so strongly disagree with.
My mother was raised Southern Baptist and she decided when she got to college that it wasn't for her. She decided to become a Hari Krishna. Yes, the bald people in orange togas who pass out flowers at the airport. My grandmother was terrified my mother was going to come home with no hair. She didn't and it was a phase. My mother later told me she was inspired by George Harrison. Damn Beatles, always influencing the Rahili women. She experimented and decided it was not right for her. She then became Catholic. My mother had to try out a few religions to find the one that fit her. I have to do the same. I have to find a religion that may not be perfect, but fits me. I may not be giving up my Catholic roots, but I'm looking for something more. I am going to church with my great friends Travis and Johnna and I while I'm there I will be looking for something more. Based on these two amazingly, wonderful people and their beliefs, I think I might find it.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
My Bio
My good friend Travis posted this question on Facebook, "If you wrote your own bio, what would it include? What would you leave out?" Interesting question. I've probably never thought of that before. My initial reaction is to leave out certain things from my past. Why would I want people to see my flaws? Why would I want someone to read about the pain, embarrassment, or mundane things in my life?
But that doesn't make any sense. Why wouldn't I want them to read those things? That is what connects us to other people. Who wants to read a story about someone and their perfect, angelic life where everything was easy? Not I. I want to read something that is hard to read, emotionally. I want to read something that rips the heart out then puts it back together again. I want to read a story about someone who I identify with and has overcome adversity and become something great. Even if that person is only great in the sense that they are a good parent, a respectable member of society, or a CEO. I want to read about a person.
I want to read everything about someone. I want to know every detail about them. How else can we learn from one another? Not only is it beneficial for the reader to read about another person's struggles but it's cathartic for the writer. Writing about the things you have endured in life is hard, but it is oddly freeing. It forces you to confront those things that were hard to confront before. It forces you to face the pain you may have hidden from yourself. But it's worth it. It's worth it to face those things and deal with them and then express them and not feel any guilt about the life you have led.
I would write about the problems I've had with my father, my mother's family and their drama, my self-esteem, my faith, my boy troubles, and my job. I also would write about my accolades, including my numerous awards, my friends, my self-esteem, and my job. Yes, some of those things overlap. And that is ok. I'm suppose to overcome obstacles. And if showing someone that it is possible to overcome hardship through my own biography then of course I would inculde those moments of my life. If not, how else would we learn from one another?
What would you include in yours?
But that doesn't make any sense. Why wouldn't I want them to read those things? That is what connects us to other people. Who wants to read a story about someone and their perfect, angelic life where everything was easy? Not I. I want to read something that is hard to read, emotionally. I want to read something that rips the heart out then puts it back together again. I want to read a story about someone who I identify with and has overcome adversity and become something great. Even if that person is only great in the sense that they are a good parent, a respectable member of society, or a CEO. I want to read about a person.
I want to read everything about someone. I want to know every detail about them. How else can we learn from one another? Not only is it beneficial for the reader to read about another person's struggles but it's cathartic for the writer. Writing about the things you have endured in life is hard, but it is oddly freeing. It forces you to confront those things that were hard to confront before. It forces you to face the pain you may have hidden from yourself. But it's worth it. It's worth it to face those things and deal with them and then express them and not feel any guilt about the life you have led.
I would write about the problems I've had with my father, my mother's family and their drama, my self-esteem, my faith, my boy troubles, and my job. I also would write about my accolades, including my numerous awards, my friends, my self-esteem, and my job. Yes, some of those things overlap. And that is ok. I'm suppose to overcome obstacles. And if showing someone that it is possible to overcome hardship through my own biography then of course I would inculde those moments of my life. If not, how else would we learn from one another?
What would you include in yours?
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