List of Truths

I make no apologies for the person that I’ve been, who I am, and what I will become. It takes a lot for me to make that statement. Today I learned about not making excuses for the people we are. Be proud of who you are. Don’t preface the decisions you make. Well sometimes, I don’t even make it that far. I don’t share things, well, I don’t share real things with people. I wrote a few weeks ago about opening up to people and I have been working on that. I have opened up and shared things with Ashley, Johnna, and Travis. But after today I realized that I have to share with everyone and not be afraid of whether they accept me or not. I have always been a confident person but, like I’ve said before, I tend to put up walls and hold people at arm’s length.


So here is my list of truths-things that I make no apologies for. Accept me or not.

I am a Christian.
I love reading mindless novels.
I love teaching gang members Shakespeare.
I am half Arab and enjoy exploring that side of my culture.
I wish I was an author.
I am funny.
I love when people come to me for comfort, or for a shoulder to cry on, or for an open ear and mind.
I am a liberal.
I love my friends, and you all know who you are.
Laughing is air to me.
Shopping for shoes is my weakness.
I believe that chocolate and coffee make the day better.
I love to workout.
I will always be there for my friends and family.
I twitter.
I always second guess my gut feeling.
I can’t wait to move out.
The guy needs to make the first move.
I watch The Hills, Keeping up with the Kardashians, Jon and Kate Plus 8, and The Desperate Housewives of Orange County.
Music always makes me smile.
I tend to only be friends with people who make me laugh…not by choice, but it just ends up happening that way.
I have been on the South Beach Diet for 3 months.
I never have a clean room.
I fight with my sister, a lot.
I am still unsure of my path in life.

So there you have it, a few bits and pieces about my life. Some of you already know all these things. But that’s a good thing. Because that means I have been opening myself up to you more and more. My goal is slowly getting accomplished. I am enjoying this new stance I am taking with my life. I will no longer make excuses, or justify my beliefs. Take it or leave it. This is me.

Waves

So lately I've realized that I've been waiting for my life to start. Well, I've decided to start living it now. I don't take enough chances, I wait for things to happen. I'm tired of that. I'm tired of waiting on other people. I'm tired of trying to be perfect all the time. I'm tired of always thinking that things happen when you least expect it. I want to start making things happen, not letting things happen to me. Maybe I have to build up strength, or courage, or the balls to dictate my own life. I've never been a pushover, just someone who has been complacent with life so far. But I'm tired.

So what do I do? How am I going to do this? I have no idea. I wrote poetry...baby steps, I guess.

Let me know what you think.



Waves

I watch its ebb and flow
The methodical heartbeat
Breathing life
Into everything

The smooth rush of water
Fading in and out
Cool blue sparkling like new marbles
Dollops of white foam on top

With each surge it is a cleansing
Creating a new moment
A new beginning
Establishing a new opportunity

What if...

I often wonder where my life is going. I think that is very normal for someone at this stage in their life. Someone who is a recent college graduate, working their first full time job and wondering about the possibility of “what if”. What if I had taken another job? What if I had moved to another city? What if I had majored in something else? What if I had met other friends? What if I had dated that person? What if, what if, what if? As I am reflecting on my first year as a full time teacher and a year out of college, I have my “what ifs”.

What if I taught at another school? Would my teaching career been as enjoyable as this year? What if I stayed in Greensboro? Would I even have a job? What if I had put up with a little more verbal abuse from a certain student? Would I have finally gotten through to him? What if I had stayed in college another year to get my Masters? Would I have reconnected with old friends and made the new ones I have now? What if I had gotten serious with that horrible guy? Would I have lost myself?

I look at this list of what ifs and the possibility they hold. It’s another life. A life that is not mine. Everything I have done in my life has led up to today. God has been this ubiquitous force and I have been the participant. He has given me choices to make in my life and I have made them, not knowing the outcome. I have jumped not knowing my fate. I have plunged into a life where I am still unsure of the bottom but I do know that I am thoroughly enjoying every moment of this dive.

I love my job and my school. I do not wish to have stayed in Greensboro. I tried everything I could to get through to that student, except for beating him to death. I want to get my Masters, but it’s a matter of money that is holding me back. I’m glad I have rid my life of that guy. If I had taken on this other life, then I would be a different person. I wouldn’t be this 22 year old, embarking on her second year of teaching, living in Durham, with a thick skin, with just a Bachelor’s degree, and proud of the fact that she knows who deserves to hold her heart.

I second guess some decisions I make. I wonder about the prospect of another life. But I’m pleased with this one. I’m glad I have made the choices that I have made. I’m proud of the person I have become. I am outgoing, loud, funny, serious, thoughtful, concerned, and loving. What if I wasn’t all those things? Then I wouldn’t be me.

"Love Up, Love Over"

I found out today that I'm angry. Not the "angry" where I destroy furniture, flip over cars, and crush people who get in my way. But the everyday, normal angry. I get angry when people are driving slowly in the left lane. I get angry when my dad says another criticizing comment to me or a family member. I get angry when I'm quizzed about my whereabouts by my mother. I get angry at the bureaucrats when they cut my pay or create a new policy with which I don't agree. My anger is justified in the moment. I'm going to be late, my father is picking on me or my brother again, my mother is slowly driving me crazy, I already get paid crap but go ahead and cut my pay again.

In church today (which I am loving and am now a permanent fixture of) we learned about the negative effects of anger and how Jesus views anger. Anger is cause for judgment. Anger negatively influences lives. Being angry is not a productive emotion. Nothing good comes from anger. I cuss at the driver, I feel more annoyance for my father, I ignore my mother's phone calls, and I complain with my coworkers. None of those things are productive. None of those things illicit positive responses. We have to learn how to harness our anger. We have to remember to look on the positive.

The tip we were given today was to learn to count to ten in a foreign language. Useful in several ways, especially if you find yourself in Spain and need to count from 1-10 at the drop of a hat, but also important in this whole anger scenario. In those 10 seconds when a driver has cut in front of you, or someone stole the last pair of jeans in your size, or your father has insulted you once again, count to 10. And in those 10 seconds remind yourself who you are. Remember to always carry around patience, kindness, gentleness, forgiveness and love. Forgive them, accept them for who they are, and do not harbor anger towards them. We were told to "love up and love over" today. Love God, but love your neighbor too. Love each person for who they are and accept them. Anger is a wasted emotion. Yes, it's going to be hard to completely rid myself of these tendencies towards anger, but I'm going to try. And I challenge you to do the same. I challenge you to rid yourself of the wasted emotion anger. And I will do the same. We are never alone in our aspirations, so I know I'm not alone in this.

On a side note: a few people I love are heading to Haiti later this week. They are going to spread God's message and to provide for this disastrous nation. Pray for them and the good work they are going to do. Pray for them as they travel to and fro (on a massive plane!). And pray that the people of Haiti will accept them, their involvment, and their words.

Reality?

I hate reality T.V. I can't stand all these ridiculous and insulting shows, ideas and topics. Become someone's rock of love, race across the world to win money, talk in a confessional about how much you hate your roommate, pretend that you live in the hills. These shows are train wrecks where we watch the demise of humanity in 30 minute segments. These shows have these artificial, stereotypical characters with subpar plot lines and fake tans. Why call them reality?

These shows are not real. The puppets have these master puppeteers setting them up on dates, creating fantasy scenarios, and editing footage so the audience really has no idea who was present at which conversation. Reality T.V. insults the American public by insinuating that all we care about is people hooking up, binge drinking, and watching people stare at each other. I am a high school teacher, I see that enough of that stuff. If America was solely judged on the reality T.V. broadcasted, that seems to have taken over every channel at every hour, then America could be viewed as a land of mindless people who care about sex, money, partying. Well, maybe that is an accurate view of some people in America, but not me.

The point of reality T.V. is to portray people as "real" people. But once fame, money, and ratings take over all "reality" goes out the door. We all sit in our houses watching people live their lives. Well, why aren't we out there living our own lives? Why watch other people succeed, make money, and have a good time instead of creating all of these things for ourselves?

Yes, I do love American Idol, The Hills, and Keeping up with the Kardashians. But I know these shows are NOT reality. I know these shows are fake with call times, lighting, and wardrobe. The stars of these shows are celebrities, not real people. They have agents, managers, and perfume deals. Does Sally Smith have a clothing line, a cosmetic line, and a cover of Elle magazine and shop at Harris Teeters in her sweatpants on Saturday mornings and live paycheck to paycheck? No. I didn't think so.

Real life is not edited. Real life has no soundtrack. Real life doesn't include an entourage of a manager, make up artist, and producer on speed dial. Real life is real. It's tough, easy, gritty, fulfilling, depressing, uplifting, dark, and happy. There are good times and bad times. There are okay times and boring times. Watch these shows with a grain of salt. Watch them knowing they are not real. Watch them and realize that your life is not like theirs, it's better. So go out and live it.