What if...

I often wonder where my life is going. I think that is very normal for someone at this stage in their life. Someone who is a recent college graduate, working their first full time job and wondering about the possibility of “what if”. What if I had taken another job? What if I had moved to another city? What if I had majored in something else? What if I had met other friends? What if I had dated that person? What if, what if, what if? As I am reflecting on my first year as a full time teacher and a year out of college, I have my “what ifs”.

What if I taught at another school? Would my teaching career been as enjoyable as this year? What if I stayed in Greensboro? Would I even have a job? What if I had put up with a little more verbal abuse from a certain student? Would I have finally gotten through to him? What if I had stayed in college another year to get my Masters? Would I have reconnected with old friends and made the new ones I have now? What if I had gotten serious with that horrible guy? Would I have lost myself?

I look at this list of what ifs and the possibility they hold. It’s another life. A life that is not mine. Everything I have done in my life has led up to today. God has been this ubiquitous force and I have been the participant. He has given me choices to make in my life and I have made them, not knowing the outcome. I have jumped not knowing my fate. I have plunged into a life where I am still unsure of the bottom but I do know that I am thoroughly enjoying every moment of this dive.

I love my job and my school. I do not wish to have stayed in Greensboro. I tried everything I could to get through to that student, except for beating him to death. I want to get my Masters, but it’s a matter of money that is holding me back. I’m glad I have rid my life of that guy. If I had taken on this other life, then I would be a different person. I wouldn’t be this 22 year old, embarking on her second year of teaching, living in Durham, with a thick skin, with just a Bachelor’s degree, and proud of the fact that she knows who deserves to hold her heart.

I second guess some decisions I make. I wonder about the prospect of another life. But I’m pleased with this one. I’m glad I have made the choices that I have made. I’m proud of the person I have become. I am outgoing, loud, funny, serious, thoughtful, concerned, and loving. What if I wasn’t all those things? Then I wouldn’t be me.