Something more...

So I'm struggling with my faith. I'm struggling with my spirituality and with my religion and the intermingling of the two. I associate my spirituality with prayer and worship. I associate my religion with being a Christian and going to church. Now I don't think that going to church makes you a spiritual person or better than someone who does not attend church. I do believe that going to church can help to aid your spirituality but it does not instantly make you spiritual. Someone can sit in church all day long on Sunday and once they leave not give God another thought until the following Sunday. I am struggling to connect both my spiritual self and my religious self.

I pray. I worship God and Jesus through reading The Bible. I believe in prayers to ease someone's pain. I believe in the words Jesus says. I believe that someone can live a life of drug dealing, gang activity, and stealing and then turn their life around and repent and be bound for Heaven. I believe in all these things, but I'm finding a hard time finding a denomination within my Christian religion that supports all these things.

I am Catholic. I have been Catholic my entire life. I have been through four of the seven sacraments (Baptism, Holy Eucharist, Reconciliation, and Confirmation), Sunday school, becoming a peer minister, a member of the Church Leadership Committee and an avid supporter of the Catholic Church. I firmly believed in my religion even through all the priest sex scandals, the installation of the new Pope, and all the bloody history that has been a part of Catholicism. However, I disagree with a lot of things the Catholic church believes. I consider myself a liberal, open-minded person. But I don't agree with the Catholic church.

When I tell people I'm Catholic I normally follow with, "but I don't agree with a lot of traditional Catholic beliefs." I shouldn't have to make excuses for anything, especially when it comes to something as personal as religion and something I get to decide. I shouldn't excuse 2,000 years of Catholic history in one statement. And I know, Catholics today should not shoulder the blame for the bloody, destructive, and tyrannical actions of the Catholic leaders of the past. But why accept it? I don't. And that is why I am searching for something new.

I was scared when I realized this a few weeks ago. My great friend Travis asked me a few weeks ago, "Why are you Catholic?" I was stumped. I had no real reasoning than that I was raised Catholic. Aside from the bloody Catholic past, I admire the tradition that has lasted for 2,000 years. But I can admire the tradition from afar. I can admire the Catholic religion for what it is and what it can be. But I'm not sure if I can excuse it's history and I'm fairly confident that it will continue to repeat itself. And I'm not sure if I can remain a part of something I so strongly disagree with.

My mother was raised Southern Baptist and she decided when she got to college that it wasn't for her. She decided to become a Hari Krishna. Yes, the bald people in orange togas who pass out flowers at the airport. My grandmother was terrified my mother was going to come home with no hair. She didn't and it was a phase. My mother later told me she was inspired by George Harrison. Damn Beatles, always influencing the Rahili women. She experimented and decided it was not right for her. She then became Catholic. My mother had to try out a few religions to find the one that fit her. I have to do the same. I have to find a religion that may not be perfect, but fits me. I may not be giving up my Catholic roots, but I'm looking for something more. I am going to church with my great friends Travis and Johnna and I while I'm there I will be looking for something more. Based on these two amazingly, wonderful people and their beliefs, I think I might find it.