On My Own?

“Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own” –U2

Not only is this a song from my favorite band but it’s also a message, especially lately, I remind myself. Yes, sometimes I can’t make it on my own. But I have been able to do so for quite some time now. I have always been an independent person, emotionally and financially. I have never felt that I needed someone to financially support me. Even with my family, I have always appreciated and valued their financial support, but since I began working my full time job I never felt that I had to have their financial support. Of course they offer and I greatly appreciate it, but I do consider myself someone who takes pride in being able to support myself financially. I think it says something when a single woman can support herself without relying on anyone else.

However, when it comes to emotional support I need a little help there because sometimes I really can’t make it on my own. I have always detached myself emotionally from people. I rarely share my authentic emotions with people. I tend to keep a lot inside for several reasons. I am fearful of my own vulnerability. I am terrified if/how people will judge me. I am afraid to let people all the way in. I have been hurt a lot in the past and I guess putting up walls makes me think that I can protect myself. I have been hurt by friends, family, and boys. And these walls have helped protect me from pain, but I am starting to realize that these walls are only hurting me. I tend to shoulder the weight of the world and I hardly share that heaviness with others. I like to think that I am this strong, confident, outspoken woman. And I am, but I can’t be those things all the time. I have to have people to share my problems, insecurities, and dreams with. If I don’t have these people in my life, then my problems, insecurities, and dreams will eat me alive. I can’t mask my emotional side anymore. I have to let it out. My emotions are beginning to slowly emanate like water from a broken dam. And I’m not saying that I can’t deal with my own emotions, but for so long I have kept people out, and I have now figured out that I have to let people in.

So can I make it on my own? Yes, but only so far. I need to let people in, and I have with a select few (Ashley, Johnna, and Travis), but I need to do it more. But even with these great friends I tend to hold back sometimes and I’m not positive as to why I do it; maybe it is the fear of exposing the raw, unedited version of Mira. I’m not sure, but to you three, I will be better. And to you others, I will make every attempt to let you in, putting aside all my fears. Am I proud of the person I am? Yes. Could I be better? Of course. Can I make it on my own? Sometimes.