One year. So many things have changed.

One year. So many things have changed.

A year ago things were ok. My life was fine. I didn’t have any major issues to handle, work through, or figure out. My life was steady.

In a year I’ve watched my life fall to pieces. I’ve watched as I’ve seen my family slowly spiral into chaos and torture, plagued by an immense weight. I’ve seen my family robbed of all hope. I’ve seen the bottom, touched it, and did not come up for air. I’m not sure if I’m even out of it now.

It’s hard to stand by and watch a car crash happen. To watch the impact. To hear the crunching of metal. To smell the burning rubber. To see the glimmer of glass on the pavement. But yet, you can’t pull your eyes away from the destruction. My life felt and, at times, still feels like a sixteen car pile-up. Devastating, gut wrenching, and heart breaking.

However, in the last year I’ve learned a lot about myself. I am much stronger than I thought I was. I have had to carry the weight of my family a lot this year, and I’ve been able to do it. I am able to do my job well even at my lowest of lows. I can open up to people about what is going on in my life instead of putting on my mask. I know when I cannot do it alone and when to ask for help. I know that I have to love, no matter how much it hurts. I’ve learned I can be angry and it’s okay. Trust will not happen overnight. I’ve learned that my Mom is a wonderful and beautiful woman. And that my Dad is a good man.

What happened? It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I’m a different Mira today than I was a year ago. I’m not happy that these events had to happen in order for me to become this updated version of myself, but I am glad I’ve turned out this way. I could be bitter, remorseful, and angry. And while I feel all those emotions and more at times, those emotions don’t define me.

One year. So many things have changed. Including me.

Universal Suffering

We forget how fortunate we are. So often we gripe about our finances, our friends, our jobs, our schoolwork, our relationships, and everything in-between. I quickly forget just how lucky I am to have the life that I have. Sure we all have hard times, but a lot of people have it harder than us. I realize just how trivial my problems are compared to what I watch on the news and read on the internet. My problems seem so overwhelming until I hear of the continued oppression of women in the Middle East, the Haitian people that are still left in strife after the earthquake, and the impoverished people in my own hometown.

No, my problems are not as big as those, but my problems are still real. It’s hard to just ignore my struggles and put them out of mind. I guess that is what bonds us all. Pain. Pain is a common thread, a link, throughout humanity. We all suffer. We all feel hurt, loneliness, and pain. Suffering doesn’t discriminate based on socioeconomic status or popularity. Pain welcomes us all. The thing is, we have to figure out how we’re going to handle it. Are we going to succumb to the destruction? Or are we going to fight back in any way that we can? I choose to fight.

One of my friends, Stephen, made a video about the pain in our own backyard, and how a group of people are trying to make a difference. Check it out: DRM.

You can't always get what you want.

I wanted to write this moving, powerful, soul shaking blog today. Well I wrote about 23,815 different things and they all crashed and burned. They were either boring, had no depth, or sounded like a five year old was blogging. So I’m just going to list random things that are on my mind, in no particular order. I cannot promise any amazing revelations, but I do know that this is one side of me. The side of me that is random, unorganized, and frenetic, with a touch of A.D.D.

I hate my cell phone. I had a great weekend. I spent $15 at Goodwill today and bought the coolest pieces for my bedroom art project that I’m working on. XBF, I hate it when I’m there but feel so much better afterwards. I have a countdown for the 30 Seconds to Mars show (13 days!). I only let certain people know everything about me. I still want that tattoo. I hate feeling helpless. You can’t take money with you when you go. I like cooking. I’m ready for school to be over. Every time I walk into Crosspointe I feel safe. Since my exams are over I actually get to read what I want to, not essays, quizzes, or journal responses. I love my friends. When I stop moving and actually have time to think about things I am conflicted, confused, and questioning a lot. In my dream home I want to have a room where the walls are lined with books, floor to ceiling. I want so much but am unsure if any of it will actually happen. I love getting mixed CD’s. I wear flats, heels hurt. If I see a “check all that apply” I check them all. I refuse to be put in a box.

You're hot then you're cold.

Hot, long days that seem to stretch on for eternity. Warm breezes whip through the trees and our hair. Vibrant green grass, cool blue water. Yeah, none of that is going on now. It’s ice cold; literally, there is ice on the ground. I’ve never seemed to fully grasp the concept of winter and why we have it around, but so be it. But my focus isn’t horrid, depressing, dead winter.

Hands down, summer is my favorite season. One, there is no school. Two, I can do anything I want with my time. There is no schedule to dictate when I have to do something. I have the freedom to whatever I want. I am grateful for my job during these few months because I have the luxury to establish my own schedule.

But in that vastness I am conflicted. There are so many things I want to do. So many opportunities to take hold of, and I’m uncertain about what each risk will bring. Last summer I did so many things that helped shape my faith, relationships, and passions and I want to continue on that path. I want to discover more about each of those and more. Summer opens up so many doors and I hope that I fully take advantage of all that summer has to offer. When Summer comes knocking I want to embrace him warmly and with a sense of rebirth. The only stipulation, I have to wait for summer to show up. And right now, who knows when that’ll happen.

Blog Challenge

I'm determined to blog more. I love writing but I find I've been writing in other places than my blog. Well now I'm writing across the board, journals, blog, Facebook, Twitter, etc. I've found this "random blog posts" site so some days I'll follow that, other days I'll write whatever I want. I can't promise I'll blog everyday or every week, but I'm shooting for every other week.

Up first: "15 facts about yourself." I'm diving in. Join me.

1. I'm doing the 365 Project. Check it out: http://365project.org/mrahili/365

2. I have 68 pairs of shoes.

3. I have great friends. No really, mine are awesome.

4. Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi is amazing.

5. I want a tattoo but I'm too scared to move beyond that desire.

6. I have a "Wicked Awesome" playlist on iTunes.

7. I could never get sick of reading.

8. Recently I became a Mac girl and I wonder why I didn't become one sooner.

9. I used to have three earrings in each ear.

10. My Mom is my hero, my inspiration, and the reason why I'm the person I am today.

11. I can't list my favorite bands, it depends on the day and my mood.

12. Dark nail polish always wins out over light nail polish.

13. I like how I write the letter "R."

14. Crosspointe feels like home.

15. If it were up to me the teacher dress code would be Vans/Converses, jeans, and a T-Shirt. I would probably have more street cred with my students if that actually happened.

Music, You Make My Heart Beat

Music. I love you. I am obsessed. I can barely get through teaching for six hours without you. In fact, the moment my planning period starts I being playing my latest playlist on my school Mac. I have no musical talent. I can’t play the guitar, drums, or bass. I can’t sing. But I know good music when I hear it.

I love seeing bands live. I love seeing the energy. I love the pulse of the crowd; beating as a singular unit. That must be the moment bands live for. Not in a crowded studio but in front of an audience. The live set resonates so much more with me than listening to the album on my iPOD. Hearing the emotion behind the words and listening to the stories behind the songs affects me. I connect so much more with a band when I see them live.

I love the Rolling Stones so I saw them in concert a few years ago when they stopped in Durham. I grew up listening to their albums and fell in love with “Rock and a Hard Place”, “Start Me Up”, and “Gimme Shelter.” When I saw the Stones play and heard Mick tell the story of why he wrote “Wild Horses” the lyrics seemed to come to life. It’s not just a story about guy meets girl, guy likes girl, guy gets girl. It has depth. Songs have so much more to them than just a nice beat. Maybe it’s my love of words but I connect with what the songwriters are saying.

Seeing bands perform live is a high for me. Watching the passion from the lead singer means the words are real. I have been to so many concerts and there is no way I could begin to count them all, and I have seen bands connect with their lyrics and I’ve seen bands lose me halfway through their set. I love when a band comes alive. There is always a moment at a concert when I stop singing and dancing and look around at all the people. Everyone singing and moving in unison validates what the band is doing. That image validates my purpose for even being there, to see amazing music. I watch all these strangers connect through music.

Music bridges so many gaps, cultures, and beliefs all for the love of a song. Thank you Music, for giving me a proper education and for teaching me how to see another side of myself. Thank you Music, for showing me what feeling and emotion is. Thank you Music, for showing me what passion is. I love you Music and you’ve always loved me back.

A Berber Wedding

So we experienced a traditional Berber wedding yesterday, and no it wasn't mine. Talk about different. The reception consisted of only women. No groom or male guests. The men were downstairs having a reception of their very own. The bride changed dresses five times. She had on a regular wedding dress then she proceeded to change into different dresses representing the different regions of Algeria. She wore each dress for about 20 minutes. For those 20 minutes she walked around showing everyone her dress and then sat in a massive chair and watched people dance. Now I had no idea who she was and she was not family of anyone we know, but my family wanted us to go with them. The entire time we were there all eyes were on us. All the women were staring at us saying "Look at the Americans!" And when I went to go dance...I quickly sat down. Nobody knows about churning the butter or mopping the floor. Oh well. Algeria isn't ready for this yet.

Some quick facts about the past few days:

The police are so nice.
I have, no joke, over 300 family members in Algeria. I have met at least 150 of them since we've been here. Ok, there might be some hyperbole in that last statement. But we have met a ton of family.
When you go to someone's home you are offered coffee, cookies, cake, water, juice, and Coke. And you are expected to eat it all.
My cousin Emene (7) is probably the cutest kid I have ever met, right after Cooper Lynch. :)
You have to be authorized to ride in a boat here and they did not authorize Sahra and I because we are American.
It is hot here all time.
Men are still everywhere.
When you go to buy something you haggle over the price. There is no firm price on anything, expect food.
Walking is the primary mode of transportation.
My dad is a fantastic man.