Beginning

Been on a hiatus since school let out. Been a busy bee this summer, but now, I'm finally slowing down. Enjoy!

“I guess this is growing up. I’m sleeping so little these days. I guess this is growing up. I’m feeling things are about to change. I’m guessing this is growing up.” –“Coffee Break” by Forever the Sickest Kids

Things have definitely changed since June. I moved out of my parents and moved in with one of my best friends. I still feel like a visitor in my own apartment. It hasn’t hit me that I’m an adult. I now have even more bills to pay, more responsibility than ever before. But I wouldn’t trade this freedom for anything. While living with your parents it is hard to be “on your own.” Even throughout college it’s hard to recognize the weight of this because, in most cases, you still come home during the summer, your parents are paying for your tuition and rent.

I used to feel so confined at home. My parents are wonderful people, but I never felt as if I was truly an adult. I had a full time job, a career, and living at home made me feel like I was still their 15 year old daughter. Now I don’t have to deal with the Spanish Inquisition-like discussion every time I want to leave the house. I don’t have to face an argument with someone about the chaotic state of my bedroom. I can determine what time and what type of food I want to eat dinner instead of having my chef, a.k.a. mother, decide for me. I don’t have to call when I’m going to come home late. Having these freedoms is so wonderful. However, I sometimes long for the comfort of home. Sometimes I wish I could walk in and know that dinner will be ready and waiting for me. But as hard it is to be away from my family, I love this feeling. This feeling of being an adult. I finally feel like my life is beginning.

Don't Hate, Appreciate

So I'm blogging on location...the Hinton living room.  I am pet/house sitting for them and attempting to help them, even if it is through this small gesture of watching Abbie and collecting their mail.  I am totally in love with their house.

Summer has only began for me and already I am looking forward to my events planned later in the season. Moving in (YAY!) to my new apartment with one of my favorites, beach trip with the family, cookouts and dinners with friends, more boating (?), and just relaxing by the pool.  But as I realize what I'm looking forward to I forget to appreciate the moment I'm in now.  I often look forward to the next thing.  Especially when I was teaching I caught myself frequently saying things like, "I can't wait until the weekend," or "I can't wait until (insert chosen Holiday break)."  

I end up wishing my life away and not cherishing the moments I am in now.  As I look outside at the sun seeping through the clouds I realize that I need to value each moment.  I should be excited and look forward to the future, but I can't disregard the present for something better to come along.  So I am valuing the present moments and excited about the future, remembering to appreciate everything along the way. 

Now it's Time to Learn

So this week is the last week of work for me for the next two months. No more students, no more papers to grade, no more mindless meetings to sit through. Freedom. Freedom to sleep in, which I never really valued until I was forced to wake up at 5:15 every morning. Freedom to dictate when I’m going to eat lunch, instead of waiting for a bell to ring moving us along throughout the day like cattle. Freedom to hang with friends during the day, instead of being forced to reduce relationships to weekend appearances and random text messages. Ah, so nice to relax. And do nothing. For two months. Amazing.

But not only am I looking forward to lounging by the pool with a book and a remarkable playlist on the iPOD I am looking forward to reflecting on my first year of teaching. I have learned so many things about myself as I reflect on my first year. I am a tough teacher. I teach students how to write. I make them learn things like “bildungsroman” and that “a” and “lot” are two different words. I make them read things ranging from old, dead, white, guy writers to alive, young, black, female writers. I force them to learn vocabulary words other than four letter words that emanate from their mouths on an hourly basis. I try to teach them to see things through the eyes of an 8th century warrior, an American Revolutionary war hero, a man desperately in love with a woman he could never have, and a woman who voluntarily forces herself into seclusion in her bedroom. Sometimes they get it, sometimes they don’t.

So as I am cleaning out my files, I am going through and taking a mental inventory of the things that worked (The Masque of the Red Death) and the things that didn’t (The Autobiography of Ben Franklin). Also, I’m picking my favorites (so many, but my absolute favorite has to be The Great Gatsby) and my least favorite (The Devil and Tom Walker). I want to hone my teaching style. I want to correct the several mistakes I made this year and just become better at my job.

I also want to become a better Yearbook advisor. I want to take the skills I have learned over this past year and make next year’s book ever better than this one. I have learned so much from working with my expert Yearbook colleague, from the convention in St. Louis we travelled to last November, and from trial and error. We have already won one award for this year’s book and I can’t wait to see our book continue to improve.

This year has definitely had its ups and downs. From seeing my students really grasp the concept of what writing an essay really takes to seeing my new teacher friends being told they won’t return next year because of the massive budget cuts that are battering Durham Public Schools. From really feeling a part of a school to seeing students hauled off by the cops because they decided to cuss me out or get in a fight with a rival gang member. From watching the awe in a student’s face when they finally make that coveted “A” on an assignment to seeing a defeated student put their head down in frustration when they “can’t” get something.

I do know that a lot of things are out of my control. I can’t go home with these kids and make them study. I can’t make sure they have something to eat for dinner. However, I do know that I can give them the skills to have some success in life, whether they are going to a four year college or off to the work place. I teach them to write, think critically, and maybe even have some compassion for others. Even if they don’t realize it now, I taught them something this year. But they have taught me something too. They have taught me that I love my job. I love working with students. I love teaching them not only literature but real world experiences as well. I hope they know what they have done for me, for they have shown me what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I look forward to 29 more years of teaching, and learning.

List of Truths

I make no apologies for the person that I’ve been, who I am, and what I will become. It takes a lot for me to make that statement. Today I learned about not making excuses for the people we are. Be proud of who you are. Don’t preface the decisions you make. Well sometimes, I don’t even make it that far. I don’t share things, well, I don’t share real things with people. I wrote a few weeks ago about opening up to people and I have been working on that. I have opened up and shared things with Ashley, Johnna, and Travis. But after today I realized that I have to share with everyone and not be afraid of whether they accept me or not. I have always been a confident person but, like I’ve said before, I tend to put up walls and hold people at arm’s length.


So here is my list of truths-things that I make no apologies for. Accept me or not.

I am a Christian.
I love reading mindless novels.
I love teaching gang members Shakespeare.
I am half Arab and enjoy exploring that side of my culture.
I wish I was an author.
I am funny.
I love when people come to me for comfort, or for a shoulder to cry on, or for an open ear and mind.
I am a liberal.
I love my friends, and you all know who you are.
Laughing is air to me.
Shopping for shoes is my weakness.
I believe that chocolate and coffee make the day better.
I love to workout.
I will always be there for my friends and family.
I twitter.
I always second guess my gut feeling.
I can’t wait to move out.
The guy needs to make the first move.
I watch The Hills, Keeping up with the Kardashians, Jon and Kate Plus 8, and The Desperate Housewives of Orange County.
Music always makes me smile.
I tend to only be friends with people who make me laugh…not by choice, but it just ends up happening that way.
I have been on the South Beach Diet for 3 months.
I never have a clean room.
I fight with my sister, a lot.
I am still unsure of my path in life.

So there you have it, a few bits and pieces about my life. Some of you already know all these things. But that’s a good thing. Because that means I have been opening myself up to you more and more. My goal is slowly getting accomplished. I am enjoying this new stance I am taking with my life. I will no longer make excuses, or justify my beliefs. Take it or leave it. This is me.

Waves

So lately I've realized that I've been waiting for my life to start. Well, I've decided to start living it now. I don't take enough chances, I wait for things to happen. I'm tired of that. I'm tired of waiting on other people. I'm tired of trying to be perfect all the time. I'm tired of always thinking that things happen when you least expect it. I want to start making things happen, not letting things happen to me. Maybe I have to build up strength, or courage, or the balls to dictate my own life. I've never been a pushover, just someone who has been complacent with life so far. But I'm tired.

So what do I do? How am I going to do this? I have no idea. I wrote poetry...baby steps, I guess.

Let me know what you think.



Waves

I watch its ebb and flow
The methodical heartbeat
Breathing life
Into everything

The smooth rush of water
Fading in and out
Cool blue sparkling like new marbles
Dollops of white foam on top

With each surge it is a cleansing
Creating a new moment
A new beginning
Establishing a new opportunity

What if...

I often wonder where my life is going. I think that is very normal for someone at this stage in their life. Someone who is a recent college graduate, working their first full time job and wondering about the possibility of “what if”. What if I had taken another job? What if I had moved to another city? What if I had majored in something else? What if I had met other friends? What if I had dated that person? What if, what if, what if? As I am reflecting on my first year as a full time teacher and a year out of college, I have my “what ifs”.

What if I taught at another school? Would my teaching career been as enjoyable as this year? What if I stayed in Greensboro? Would I even have a job? What if I had put up with a little more verbal abuse from a certain student? Would I have finally gotten through to him? What if I had stayed in college another year to get my Masters? Would I have reconnected with old friends and made the new ones I have now? What if I had gotten serious with that horrible guy? Would I have lost myself?

I look at this list of what ifs and the possibility they hold. It’s another life. A life that is not mine. Everything I have done in my life has led up to today. God has been this ubiquitous force and I have been the participant. He has given me choices to make in my life and I have made them, not knowing the outcome. I have jumped not knowing my fate. I have plunged into a life where I am still unsure of the bottom but I do know that I am thoroughly enjoying every moment of this dive.

I love my job and my school. I do not wish to have stayed in Greensboro. I tried everything I could to get through to that student, except for beating him to death. I want to get my Masters, but it’s a matter of money that is holding me back. I’m glad I have rid my life of that guy. If I had taken on this other life, then I would be a different person. I wouldn’t be this 22 year old, embarking on her second year of teaching, living in Durham, with a thick skin, with just a Bachelor’s degree, and proud of the fact that she knows who deserves to hold her heart.

I second guess some decisions I make. I wonder about the prospect of another life. But I’m pleased with this one. I’m glad I have made the choices that I have made. I’m proud of the person I have become. I am outgoing, loud, funny, serious, thoughtful, concerned, and loving. What if I wasn’t all those things? Then I wouldn’t be me.

"Love Up, Love Over"

I found out today that I'm angry. Not the "angry" where I destroy furniture, flip over cars, and crush people who get in my way. But the everyday, normal angry. I get angry when people are driving slowly in the left lane. I get angry when my dad says another criticizing comment to me or a family member. I get angry when I'm quizzed about my whereabouts by my mother. I get angry at the bureaucrats when they cut my pay or create a new policy with which I don't agree. My anger is justified in the moment. I'm going to be late, my father is picking on me or my brother again, my mother is slowly driving me crazy, I already get paid crap but go ahead and cut my pay again.

In church today (which I am loving and am now a permanent fixture of) we learned about the negative effects of anger and how Jesus views anger. Anger is cause for judgment. Anger negatively influences lives. Being angry is not a productive emotion. Nothing good comes from anger. I cuss at the driver, I feel more annoyance for my father, I ignore my mother's phone calls, and I complain with my coworkers. None of those things are productive. None of those things illicit positive responses. We have to learn how to harness our anger. We have to remember to look on the positive.

The tip we were given today was to learn to count to ten in a foreign language. Useful in several ways, especially if you find yourself in Spain and need to count from 1-10 at the drop of a hat, but also important in this whole anger scenario. In those 10 seconds when a driver has cut in front of you, or someone stole the last pair of jeans in your size, or your father has insulted you once again, count to 10. And in those 10 seconds remind yourself who you are. Remember to always carry around patience, kindness, gentleness, forgiveness and love. Forgive them, accept them for who they are, and do not harbor anger towards them. We were told to "love up and love over" today. Love God, but love your neighbor too. Love each person for who they are and accept them. Anger is a wasted emotion. Yes, it's going to be hard to completely rid myself of these tendencies towards anger, but I'm going to try. And I challenge you to do the same. I challenge you to rid yourself of the wasted emotion anger. And I will do the same. We are never alone in our aspirations, so I know I'm not alone in this.

On a side note: a few people I love are heading to Haiti later this week. They are going to spread God's message and to provide for this disastrous nation. Pray for them and the good work they are going to do. Pray for them as they travel to and fro (on a massive plane!). And pray that the people of Haiti will accept them, their involvment, and their words.